The son and I are building some apple pies and putting our (YEAH! The smell. The smell.) fresh balsam tree (ordered in from Vermont and actually cheaper than buying one here.)

In the interest of fairness for the home viewer, and curiousity as to whether I could remember how to write down a recipe... I have just typed up one apple pie making how-to.

Play along?

Pies Only Made In Pairs�One For You And One For�

●Seriously Flaky Pie Crust:

2-� Cup Flour

1/2 tsp. Salt

� Cup quality vegetable shortening at room temperature�or if you are feeling wicked and want the best/flakiest crust possible�use lard. (Mmm. Lip-Licking-Lard!) Please note: without a food processor you should probably use a pastry cutter/lard cutter.

6 or 7 Tbsp. iced water (This is made by placing cubes of frozen water in a glass, pouring regular water in and waiting a moment or two�steal Tablespoons at will before drinking the rest�and getting your yucky human germs or fish breath in there.)

●Making The Crusty Portion-ness:

In a bowl or a food processor, combine flour, salt and shortening. Process/Mix until mixture resembles coarse meal. Gradually add ice water until dough pulls away from the bowl and forms a solid mass (think Playdoh). This process should take less than one minute. Remove dough and knead (oh, baby!) once or twice on a floured surface. Divide dough into fourths and roll each out (ONCE! The key to a good crust is don't phuck with it too much. Roll it once and then just arrange it as best you can. The more you touch any pastry the tougher it is. You've been WARNED!) to a 12-inch circle-type thing. Fit one pastry circle into the pie plate. Be ready with a second circle for the top of the pie.

●Der Apple-Goodness:

9-cups sliced or chunked, large, tart, firm apples (Fujis/Romes/Macs/Winesaps)

3/4-cup sugar (regular or raw sugar)

1 or 2 Tbsp. flour (this depends upon the, ahem, drippy/juiciness of your apples)

� tsp. Real Vanilla Extract (no imitations or your pie WILL EXPLODE in the oven�you have been warned)

1/8 tsp. Nutmeg (if you like a nicer nutmeggy taste grate and mortar it yourself)

� tsp. Cinnamon (ditto on the above)

1 Tbsp. Freshly-squeezed lemon juice

1 Tbsp. Butter (none of that cheating with nasty-oleomargarine-spread-crap �.)

For a change in flavor/look/line-up you might consider adding one of a number of things to the filling:

● 1-cup rhubarb (chopped on an angle like you�d chop celery for Chinese food.)

● 1-cup strawberries (halved)

● 1 half cup of currents

The Finish Line:

Putest thou all thine ingredients into a large bowl and then mix them together with your hands. Really fill yon bottom crust with apple filling and splotch with bits of butter. Top off with second pastry circle, folding/finger pinching the pastry edges over the apples as you go. Consider using a heart cookie/xmas tree or whatever cutter to decorate and ventilate the top of the pie (otherwise puncture a few times with a knife or fork.) Bake for 47 minutes in preheated 375� oven, until the filling is bubbly (thus the secondary reason for venting the top crust) and crust is golden. Cool slightly and serve with sharp Cabot cheddar (the only way a Vermonter would consider eating pie.)